Summer fun

Beautiful Charleston family :)

Love this beautiful little family :) Katie was willing to let me put her little guy in a wash basin outside... too cute. There's some others but these were some of my favorites :)

Pouting

I remember growing up, I was a screamer and crier and man oh man, I would cry every second of every day if things didn't go my way. And, quite honestly, I didn't grow out of that until later in my childhood, like, my 20's hahah I would cry about all kinds of things. Just a bad day or something ridiculous. .I even remember one time when I was about to learn how to drive having a meltdown about raccoons on the side of the road and how I was so depressed that they wee being hit by cars. Yes, i was an emotional wreck. I'm not sure if it had to do with puberty or just being stressed out or what. it just would happen. i think i was under the understanding that love and life had to involve crying otherwise it wasn't worth it. but, the thing that used to make me the most mad, and i can remember lots of instances of this, was if i was upset and someone laughed at me. first, i would realize that i was ridiculous..."KT, seriously? they're laughing because you're overreacting or acting like a baby." but, still crying, i would then realize that i had to prove my point, so i would continue crying... and sometimes i would even forget what i was crying about... i mean, i can remember these moments... crying to get what i wanted and realizing there's no possible way to save the lives of raccoons without putting nets around all highways (yes, I even thought of that) or inventing some kind of scent to scare animals away from the highways. either way... i know my parents stood by and laughed a lot of times and now, when clara makes her little pouty face, i do the same. i mean, really you have to smile at her, because if you start to act sad, she will instantly feed into it and cry and pout... so, i've started training her, when she bumps her head or something makes her upset, i laugh and cheer for her... at daycare, when other babies cry, she now thinks it's a good idea to laugh at them... i dunno if that's good or bad. but, these two photos are a perfect example.. first a pout, then momma made her laugh. she has an amazing laugh and personality, i just love that we can make each other laugh and smile all day just because. Thanks for making me a Momma, baby bear, you're the best. i'm one lucky gal.

Botanical Gardens

What used to be known as "lay here and let me take a thousand photographs of you in different poses and little smirks on your face" has transformed into "chase me, Momma...and go ahead and try to take a photo" But, I must say, I prefer the most recent endeavors....more exercise, some sunshine and some true laughs, nothing forced and no torture, just pure, raw emotions. No, these are not the greatest photos in the world but, as a good friend once said to me "this isn't about making money, it's about making memories"... well, we made them this day at the Botanical Gardens in Norfolk. As Clara waddles around and runs away from me, and I try to keep her from the rose bushes, it was fun....exciting...and wow what a great day to spend with my beautiful baby. this was her first time in a fountain as well, she had a blast. we WILL be going back... she has way too many cute outfits to wear to not photograph them all here.

while walking (and partially sprinting) around this place I was just taken aback at how incredible it was. it really was like a page out of a storybook... when i was younger I always took to the movies with real people. I was never into cartoons that much, i guess because cartoon worlds just seem too easy. I mean, anyone can draw something and make it animated, but making something appear real in real life is way too difficult. And, as a child I'm sure I found the combination of the two really cool because my favorite movie was Mary Poppins. The songs and dance and animals, I mean, what else could a kid dream of? Nowadays with kids wanting all of this crazy cartoon 3D stuff, just seems to be overpowering. Clara and I stay unplugged a lot of our day.. We go outside and take walks and even when we are inside, we play on the floor, cuddling, talking to each other (even though I can't really understand her) and, that's our life....the gardens were a perfect place for us. we bonded and laughed at each other. Like 10 people asked me if I went alone, I did meet a friend there but only saw her briefly, keeping kids on the same schedule is next to impossible, by the time she got there Clara had drank half of the fountain and was sleepy. Some other Moms I know seemed shocked that I would want to take Clara and go alone to a place like that. I don't really understand it...I don't need anyone else to have fun, my best friends are my husband and my baby girl, who else do you really need? :)

The Avett Brothers-Portsmouth, VA

Anyone who knows me well knows I love music. What do I love more? LIVE music.... and even more than that? A band that can put on a GREAT live show. Well, The Avett Brothers do it every time! Although I have definitely seen them perform better, the lighting at this show was phenomenal. I took so many photos, it was really hard for me to pick out some for the blog (sorry there's soo many...I said they were my favorite, didn't i??) Their music inspires me and I suppose their shows do too... I looked back through these photos and was just amazed. And, actually, one of their photos made it my final portfolio show for my Undergrad show as well.. So, I guess their shows are always great for me! Stand up bass, cello, banjo, guitar, kickdrum, amazing melodies and lyrics that will take your breath away?? well, COUNT ME IN! some of my favorite lyrics come from their songs...and some of my favorite memories come from singing these songs with my best friends. A conversation I had with Kris a while back was... "i've noticed that the only friends I have that have stuck around listen to the avett brothers..." so, reverse thinking... you can't be my friend if you don't. I guess it's a silly thing to say, but, nothing makes me more made than a closed-minded person... be accepting, don't say "i hate country music" give it a chance... don't say "i don't date guys like that" or "i don't like those kinds of cars" because one day.... you might. I used to dislike a lot of things but we were always taught growing up to say "I don't care for that so much" as a nice way of saying no, thanks, don't like it hahahah it's the little things you remember the most. well, time to head to bed. cable guys coming tomorrow "between 8-12" ugh... whatever happened to appointment-making?

Mariela's First Communion

Here are a few of my favorites from a First Communion I attended yesterday. Mariela was such a beautiful girl, it really was hard to take a bad photo of her. I was honored to be a part of the Gonzalez family for the day and help them capture these lovely memories forever. Your gallery will be posted soon! Hope you enjoy the sneak peek!

Beach Day in Cool Weather

My best friend from Augusta came up to visit for a weekend and we were able to hang out a bit at the beach. Too bad it wasn't warmer weather, but we made the best of it.

Love these girls!

thorns

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby

I found this quote a while back and I always think about love like roses. Because it does hurt at times... and no, this isn't another sappy silly "my husbands on deployment" blog post. So, don't get out your tissues yet! :) However, you do everything for those you love, everything you possibly can.

Poor baby bear has been having a terrible time with diaper changing time. We have done everything.... letting her go naked, giving her special toys or books when she's getting it changed.... even singing ridiculous songs. Trust me, I have read about it, looking through magazines and blogs and a never-ending array of parenting references trying so hard to figure out why they HATE diaper changes. Here's my theory...

Other than being held down, I think it's that she is remembering more now.. she knows that it has hurt her in the past and now she hates it. well, this time, it has been completely terrifying because something that she has been eating has been giving her terrible booty rash.. like, to the point of her screaming and shaking and clinging onto me like i'm going to throw her into a big pit of molten lava with alligators floating in it... yeah, just like that... don't ask why the alligators don't melt... :) guess that's what makes it scary...

so, with motherhood comes a lot of learned things.. and one is definitely to get through thorns in your baby's life... sorry kid, i know you're crying and screaming but, I've gotta do this.. i'm sorry. and, quite honestly, if you had asked me to do this circus act 8 months ago, I would have run for the hills, but now, since it's an everyday occurrance, it is getting so routine.

I guess, in some kinds of love, the thorns are still there, but you build callouses on your hands to defend yourself against them so you can get to the real true love which is... a happy baby bear. :)

a newfound interest...

Clara's new thing is standing... She's getting really good at it. Still no steps yet, but she will get there one day soon, I'm sure. :)

Today we drove 2.5 hours to meet up with my godmothers for lunch/dinner and then go to the park.. on the way there she somehow managed to dump her sippy cup onto her lap, so I changed her into her cute dress for the restaurant, mind you, in the parking lot... so she would look good, knowing we would do photos of her at some point. Well, this newfound interest that she has in standing proved that wearing dresses is only something you can do if you can stand....and walk... otherwise she just got very aggravated with us. So, here's some photos in outfit number 3 of the day... When I was 15 weeks pregnant we got a sonogram to find out the sex of our baby... after almost an hour, two trips to go "clear my bladder" and two different women pushing on my belly, she finally gave us a little peek to see her little "hamburger" as they called it... I was so happy to have a baby girl :) they're a lot more fun than boys to dress and decorate for. But, before I was pregnant I never really wanted a girl because I'm pretty far from being girly myself... but, I'm getting there. Anyhow, that lady called clara a "diva"... and today, with all of her outfit changes that was pretty fitting.....

I had a good time being outside and letting Clara be in her element. She was SOOOO good on the ride there and the restaurant and even the ride home until we sat in traffic for the tunnel... nothing is more annoying than practically being able to see home and not knowing when you'll get there. well, perhaps there is something more annoying. . . seeing the pier where your husband's ship used to reside and knowing that it will be cold outside before he is back home. yeah, that's way more annoying...

moms and the blog that hit me...

read this blog first... it's awesome:

http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/


After reading this I was totally blown away... as tears streamed down my face I was reminded of these very aspects of life...

My mom came up and spent two weeks here and it was great. Yes, it'a hard having 3 adults living in an 800 square foot home, and it's even harder throwing three generations of strong-willed females... even though one is just barely 1 year old... she's still very strong-minded, if not more so than the previous generations. After reading her blog post, I was suddenly stopped and thought back.. No, I can't really say "I miss you" to my mom because we haven't always been close. FOr so long, I pushed my mom away. She would help and I would take from her, and then I would just blow her off, not realizing that the only thing she really wants, as with any mom out there, is to be loved and involved... what used to be a phone call or something every 4 months or so, turned into now, it is a very odd day if I don't email her like 5-10 photos and call at least once.. jokingly, we always say it is when I'm in traffic. (Our phone calls used to be really long when I lived in DC) I have been racking my mind trying to come up with the turning point.. when did I decide that having my mom in my life is really what I needed. well, i think i have figured it out..

when i was livign in Georgia, i was in a very bad relationship status... i was still very immature with love, i thought that fighting and making up was a way of loving.. i was confused. i felt that having a "boyfriend" meant that you needed to cry at least a few times a week and then make up, just to prove to yourself you could make it through anything. I now know this is definitely NOT the way to love or be loved. now, don't get me wrong... i did love then, but as far as being in a real relationship with someone... that didn't really happen, and possibly i think it was because I loved deeper than anyone i knew... but.. back to the story

so, one night, after a terrible horrible fight I went into Bonefish grill, which is where i was working at the time. Some "regulars" were there and they encouraged me to drink and said they'd pay for everything, and being that I wasn't even really sure at that point in my life where I would be sleeping due to the nature of the fight i had, i decided... okay, sure, why not? right? if i say no to that I'm CRAZY... well, I went in at 5... we left when they closed the restaurant... from there we went to a bar called Cadillacs.. I didn't know where this bar was, because i had never been there, and quite honestly, i've never been back. Well, let's sum this up and say, I don't remember being there at all... I don't remember leaving and I don't remember wrecking my car... but, there are some things that I do remember... I pulled into a residential area and got out of the car looking at the mess I had made, i rolled across the front of the hood to try to smash it down because i could barely see out of the front window. at this point i felt the need to run... away from the car... i'm not sure if it wouldn't start, because everything is pretty hazy. having broken my phone in a previous fight earlier in the week, i only had about 3 numbers in my phone... one being my best friend Ashley, one being my work number, and the other being my moms... well, what do i do?? i walked a long time, probably about 2 miles.. one of my flipflops broke and i sat on the guardrail on the side of the road and just cried and thought about how messed up everything in life was... i had hit the bottom of the rock's bottom... i called my friend's house phone like 10 times, each time leaving messages that the following day we could not decipher.. no answer... should I call my mom? well, i dunno... so i kept walking, then decided to call work.. our manager came and picked me up and took me home where i passed out until the sunlight creeped into my bedroom and woke me up... i opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling "was this a dream? did this really happen?" at this point, the only thing that moved was my eyelids... this had to be a dream... as I started to move my legs, I realized that as stiff as I was, this wasn't a dream... crawled out of bed and went to the window.. where's my car?....yep, this isn't a dream at all... i went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face and as i did I look in the mirror to see my shoulder covered in bruises, my knees were busted open from the impact of the dashboard and my feet had tiny pieces of rock and glass shoved inside from the walk home.. wow... what had i done? So, as anyone who blacks out at night will tell you, the first thing i did was look at my phone.. ashley had called a bunch of times and before i knew it she was at my door.... "get in the car, and lets find it" okay... we drove around for 3 days with her 3 year old twins in the backseat trying to find my damn car.. i couldn't remember.. i had not a clue where i had been. finally after calling the cops and figuring it out, my car had been picked up by a tow truck and was somewhere in BFE in south carolina... well, now what??? my ex wasn't going to help me... I had hardly any money and I had no stinking clue where to go or what to do... well, call on my mom.

they picked me up and the drive to this weird place was pretty quiet. nothing really needed to be said. i was stupid. i knew better. really? what else is there to say? what the F was I thinking? yeah, possibly. I wish to this day I had photographed that poor car... it seriously looked like someone had erased the front part of it. And, at some point in time, I had fishtailed.. I'm pretty sure after piecing together the memories that I hit a guardrail somewhere, but I honestly can't say what happened.

how does this story end and come back around to my mom.. well, everything happens for a reason i guess, after this, i was going to my moms house for dinners, bringing my friends over to meet her and keeping in touch. there's a reason i lived through that day, and i'm not too sure what the main reason is, but i will tell you that one thing i realized is you only have one chance at life. one. thats it.. one fight and one day could change you. so yes, it shook me up, yes I lived to see another day and No, at that time, I didn't really realize the life lessons I learned, but, mom helped me, once again, bailed me out and got me on track.. and i think had she lectured me and continued to bring that day up and throw it in my face, i would probably not feel so strongly about it.. but i learned it, she just helped me out.

once you're a mom, you learn love.. love in a different way. everyone will try to explain it, but no one can. it's beautiful. the ability to do anything for someone, even when you know they were wrong to begin with.. that's the most beautiful part. it cannot be seen or heard... it just exists and is. my mom was there for me that day when i needed her. ashley was there with her kids and every so often i would turn around and look at them in the backseat and tears would roll down my face....they are so lucky, i am so lucky... moms are amazing. i hope to be this for Clara one day...

dreams, realizations and photography

I think I was born without the ability to throw people away.... please let me explain.

I wasn't very popular in school, i mean, at one point in my life I even had things thrown in my face, apples thrown at my head in first period (yeah, that's like 7 in the morning, i dunno, i guess these kids were being fed coffee at a young age... all i wanted to do was sneak bits and pieces of a pop tart from my bag.) ...Lots of people made me cry, i had lots of terrible relationships, one that i couldn't let go of throughout all of high school. and i guess i have problems with letting go at all, of anything.

last night i had a dream, well, i guess i should say another dream.... i have these vivid dreams all the time. lots of times they involve me and friends i've had in the past. Maybe ex-boyfriends, former lovers or even just people i randomly know. Yeah, they are vivid, like at times I wake up and wonder where the heck those people are in their lives. well, I'm not too sure. but, they happen. so i look on facebook and see them, exactly how i remembered them... it's so weird.

i think sometimes things i see or possibly songs i hear will make me think of these particular people. memoirs, if you will. i cleaned out my dad's basement and found a bunch of things from high school and even middle school... yes, i was that kid. I even had love letters/"notes" written from all of my so-called friends from middle and high school... why did i keep these things? haha i had stuffed animals from guys i had dated, even ones that were from when they were little themselves. a collection of random 70s musicians on t shirts and even a jar that i'm pretty sure i was collecting gum in... yeah... kids are so funny.

and i just can't seem to get these things out of my head. it's not that i live in the past, i love my life and want no part of "going back" because i know a lot of people have regrets and wish they could re-live their past. Nope... i'm quite perfectly happy right here in the present. i love my life, my daughter and husband. i wouldn't trade the world for them!

but i guess in my "grown-up" life, i still kind of wonder... how the heck does my brain still think about these people. they've LONG forgot about me, and they probably wouldn't have any interest in even being my so-called "friend" on facebook. hahah.

so. I started thinking about this... I've been awake since 530 laying here thinking.. this is why I enjoy photographing... it's a constant reminder. if i have a photograph, i have a way of going back to my memories and remembering what happened. we kissed here, you wore those jeans that night, OMG do you remember those shoes!?!? It's those moments... every moment, that needs remembered and through photography I have a way of doing it.

i also think that this is why i can be apart from my husband and still be very happy with him. i see photos and smile and they take me back to a second, a feeling, a moment of joy that we brought to each other. and now, i look at photos of our daughter and i can say, wow... that was my birthday brunch or that was the first time she rode a horse.... whatever the memory may be, i will remember it.

this also happens when i think about people i know...it's like the Momma bear comes out in me... i can't get rid of that stroller or that t shirt or something, because i know someone will want it. someone, somewhere will need it. photographs i've taken of people,places, even down to the speedometer on my car, they document the times and places and feelings....emotions of my life.

i've kept a couple friends... they're all i really needed along the way. they, too, will go one day...

"i can't go back, i don't want to, all my mistakes, they've brought me to you"
this is the line that keeps repeating in my head. i don't want to go back... i just keep reminding myself, everything i have learned and experienced has brought me here...to this amazing life. thanks to all of you....

yes, even you, apple throwers and heart breakers, ex-boyfriends and "BFF"s who turned into BF for-nevers. i still remember you, because you have been a part of my journey.... to here, and i love you for that.

slow down! :)

As I watch my little girl change daily right inf ront of my eyes. I'm just reminded at how quickly things can switch around. Sometimes she will look at me and I see a totally different person than I did 300 days ago. And as I think about that in comparison to my husband... he is going to be gone for well over 200 days.. I just think about the numbers. Clara has been in 1/14 of my life now but she has changed it forever. She has change so many things... Christmas will NEVER be the same, Halloween won't either. I just can't believe how much she has changed, and so fast.

Here's a little look into our day outside in the yard... first she had to examine the car.... then she did a little ladylike sitting thing on it... and then she heaved her legs onto it and clapped :) she was so happy with herself. :) I just hope that pretty soon she starts figuring out that she can push the toy with her feet, I tried showing her how but she looked at me like i was crazy
Well, today, she has done it.... she is making big progress in her walking abilities... yesterday, she was getting on and off of her little car (and would get super excited when she did...) and today she has decided that standing on her own is a really cool thing. But, she gets there and then gets scared and doesn't know what to do so she sits down. I think in a couple weeks she will be walking... and lord help us all then... she's already a terror. :)

Her new favorite sign right now is airplane.. even inside the house if she hears one she will sign airplane :) it's pretty often, since we live right in the flight zone of NNSY.

Before you know it she will be driving a car... not just excited because she can maneuver herself up onto one. be careful, my sweet baby. you're moving too fast.

found this and had to repost it... every word is true

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return.
I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home.
I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me.
You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him.

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most.
I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for.
I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second.
A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living.

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time.
You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me.
You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady.
You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea.
What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played.
I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside.

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through.
You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do.
You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better.
You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time.
You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is.

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground.
What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know.
You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one.
I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful.
What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing.
I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Sailor, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.

oh, camera phone :)

Everyone has a camera phone these days... and it's so easy just just upload and email everything away! I love it. It makes it so easy to send Kris little snippets of our day and try our best to keep him involved.

As I was skimming through my facebook I noticed these photos... Kris will hate me for his "goofy face" photo of him and Clara doing some shopping in target... but, the other one is our baby's first day wearing jeans haha I know it's silly...and most people probably aren't this way about their child, but to me, this being our first and only child... i want to document everything. I honestly wish I could have her videotaped 24 hours a day, and yes, even when she's sleeping, is anything cuter??? AHH! I just can't get enough of her. she's smart and sweet and even has a little temper that somewhat makes me smile, but sometimes drives me crazy. but, only the things that you love have the ability to drive you crazy... The last photo is of Clara acting like a dog.... she pants, plays fetch and even tries to eat dog food... it's hilarious. She really thinks that she's supposed to act that way... Babies are very similar to puppies, repetition is key... but, I'm hoping she gets over that stage soon...

I feel like so many people take little things for granted... pay attention to your kids... seriously? as I'm taking photos of my kid in target, the next aisle over there's a mom on her phone, ignoring her child, drinking starbucks and not taking the opportunity to talk... talk to them, sing, even if you don't know the words, trust me, they'll laugh... point things out and talk... it's not that hard.. i promise, we do it all day long. sometimes it is hard for me to shift back into adult mode because I'm in the pre-toddler mode all day long when I'm with her... but, that's my job.. I'm a mom.. I'm not worried about talking to other adults near as much as I am my baby... every second counts with her right now. every single one. all those other people will be around at a later date.... and they'll understand. she needs me.. and yeah, i still have a life, i leave her with a babysitter when i have things I can't take her along, but... I'm just saying that there are plenty of times when parents could really take advantage of those moments that are ever-so-quickly leaving you...sorry... went on a rant.. i just hate seeing people with kids when they don't even pay attention to them. and more often than not.. those are the ones complaining later that their kid is misbehaving.. or... "I dunno where they learned that" when you're doing the same thing right in front of them..

hope you like my little snippets of life as much as I know my relatives and husband do..

changes

I went to the doctors today and other than being overweight (who isn't) and tired (really... is anyone not-tired?) I didn't have any complaints.(brought to mind... Ani DiFranco song lyrics "everybody hates their job, no one gets enough sleep) As he asked me three more times if I needed a prescription filled of any kind.. I just said "no" and went about my merry little way feeling good about not taking daily drugs to help me survive. I talked with him a long time about change... really thats how you lose weight... in fact... change is how you do everything in life... when someone says they are afraid of change, they really just must be afraid of living.

the variables of life are constantly changing, from seasons and weather straight down to changing out the roll of toilet paper before it gets too late and then you're stuck sitting there to drip dry.. well, we've all been there.

I MUST change.... everyday, Clara changes, she's getting older, smarter (sometimes too smart) and faster as every day passes... before long she will be forming sentences, running away and wanting her drivers license... change. everyday i must sit back and say today, i will accomplish something great. well, teaching my child is my accomplishment right now, but i need to change that. she will continue to learn, but with her, i must learn. i must sit at night and remind myself how to sign different words and look up different ways to entertain toddlers or teach them this and that and whatever... i'm slightly obsessed with google and reading before i go to bed about what "some expert" loves or hates or thinks... and i form my own opinions but... let's get down to the real science... the big question... the ultimate answer... change..

if i am going to be healthier, happier, smarter, faster.....something needs to change. I NEED TO CHANGE.
well, here it goes....
change is the only way you can survive. your life is changing with or without you....

PS... look at those beautiful lashes her Daddy gave her!!!