read this blog first... it's awesome:
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
After reading this I was totally blown away... as tears streamed down my face I was reminded of these very aspects of life...
My mom came up and spent two weeks here and it was great. Yes, it'a hard having 3 adults living in an 800 square foot home, and it's even harder throwing three generations of strong-willed females... even though one is just barely 1 year old... she's still very strong-minded, if not more so than the previous generations. After reading her blog post, I was suddenly stopped and thought back.. No, I can't really say "I miss you" to my mom because we haven't always been close. FOr so long, I pushed my mom away. She would help and I would take from her, and then I would just blow her off, not realizing that the only thing she really wants, as with any mom out there, is to be loved and involved... what used to be a phone call or something every 4 months or so, turned into now, it is a very odd day if I don't email her like 5-10 photos and call at least once.. jokingly, we always say it is when I'm in traffic. (Our phone calls used to be really long when I lived in DC) I have been racking my mind trying to come up with the turning point.. when did I decide that having my mom in my life is really what I needed. well, i think i have figured it out..
when i was livign in Georgia, i was in a very bad relationship status... i was still very immature with love, i thought that fighting and making up was a way of loving.. i was confused. i felt that having a "boyfriend" meant that you needed to cry at least a few times a week and then make up, just to prove to yourself you could make it through anything. I now know this is definitely NOT the way to love or be loved. now, don't get me wrong... i did love then, but as far as being in a real relationship with someone... that didn't really happen, and possibly i think it was because I loved deeper than anyone i knew... but.. back to the story
so, one night, after a terrible horrible fight I went into Bonefish grill, which is where i was working at the time. Some "regulars" were there and they encouraged me to drink and said they'd pay for everything, and being that I wasn't even really sure at that point in my life where I would be sleeping due to the nature of the fight i had, i decided... okay, sure, why not? right? if i say no to that I'm CRAZY... well, I went in at 5... we left when they closed the restaurant... from there we went to a bar called Cadillacs.. I didn't know where this bar was, because i had never been there, and quite honestly, i've never been back. Well, let's sum this up and say, I don't remember being there at all... I don't remember leaving and I don't remember wrecking my car... but, there are some things that I do remember... I pulled into a residential area and got out of the car looking at the mess I had made, i rolled across the front of the hood to try to smash it down because i could barely see out of the front window. at this point i felt the need to run... away from the car... i'm not sure if it wouldn't start, because everything is pretty hazy. having broken my phone in a previous fight earlier in the week, i only had about 3 numbers in my phone... one being my best friend Ashley, one being my work number, and the other being my moms... well, what do i do?? i walked a long time, probably about 2 miles.. one of my flipflops broke and i sat on the guardrail on the side of the road and just cried and thought about how messed up everything in life was... i had hit the bottom of the rock's bottom... i called my friend's house phone like 10 times, each time leaving messages that the following day we could not decipher.. no answer... should I call my mom? well, i dunno... so i kept walking, then decided to call work.. our manager came and picked me up and took me home where i passed out until the sunlight creeped into my bedroom and woke me up... i opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling "was this a dream? did this really happen?" at this point, the only thing that moved was my eyelids... this had to be a dream... as I started to move my legs, I realized that as stiff as I was, this wasn't a dream... crawled out of bed and went to the window.. where's my car?....yep, this isn't a dream at all... i went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face and as i did I look in the mirror to see my shoulder covered in bruises, my knees were busted open from the impact of the dashboard and my feet had tiny pieces of rock and glass shoved inside from the walk home.. wow... what had i done? So, as anyone who blacks out at night will tell you, the first thing i did was look at my phone.. ashley had called a bunch of times and before i knew it she was at my door.... "get in the car, and lets find it" okay... we drove around for 3 days with her 3 year old twins in the backseat trying to find my damn car.. i couldn't remember.. i had not a clue where i had been. finally after calling the cops and figuring it out, my car had been picked up by a tow truck and was somewhere in BFE in south carolina... well, now what??? my ex wasn't going to help me... I had hardly any money and I had no stinking clue where to go or what to do... well, call on my mom.
they picked me up and the drive to this weird place was pretty quiet. nothing really needed to be said. i was stupid. i knew better. really? what else is there to say? what the F was I thinking? yeah, possibly. I wish to this day I had photographed that poor car... it seriously looked like someone had erased the front part of it. And, at some point in time, I had fishtailed.. I'm pretty sure after piecing together the memories that I hit a guardrail somewhere, but I honestly can't say what happened.
how does this story end and come back around to my mom.. well, everything happens for a reason i guess, after this, i was going to my moms house for dinners, bringing my friends over to meet her and keeping in touch. there's a reason i lived through that day, and i'm not too sure what the main reason is, but i will tell you that one thing i realized is you only have one chance at life. one. thats it.. one fight and one day could change you. so yes, it shook me up, yes I lived to see another day and No, at that time, I didn't really realize the life lessons I learned, but, mom helped me, once again, bailed me out and got me on track.. and i think had she lectured me and continued to bring that day up and throw it in my face, i would probably not feel so strongly about it.. but i learned it, she just helped me out.
once you're a mom, you learn love.. love in a different way. everyone will try to explain it, but no one can. it's beautiful. the ability to do anything for someone, even when you know they were wrong to begin with.. that's the most beautiful part. it cannot be seen or heard... it just exists and is. my mom was there for me that day when i needed her. ashley was there with her kids and every so often i would turn around and look at them in the backseat and tears would roll down my face....they are so lucky, i am so lucky... moms are amazing. i hope to be this for Clara one day...
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