dreams, realizations and photography

I think I was born without the ability to throw people away.... please let me explain.

I wasn't very popular in school, i mean, at one point in my life I even had things thrown in my face, apples thrown at my head in first period (yeah, that's like 7 in the morning, i dunno, i guess these kids were being fed coffee at a young age... all i wanted to do was sneak bits and pieces of a pop tart from my bag.) ...Lots of people made me cry, i had lots of terrible relationships, one that i couldn't let go of throughout all of high school. and i guess i have problems with letting go at all, of anything.

last night i had a dream, well, i guess i should say another dream.... i have these vivid dreams all the time. lots of times they involve me and friends i've had in the past. Maybe ex-boyfriends, former lovers or even just people i randomly know. Yeah, they are vivid, like at times I wake up and wonder where the heck those people are in their lives. well, I'm not too sure. but, they happen. so i look on facebook and see them, exactly how i remembered them... it's so weird.

i think sometimes things i see or possibly songs i hear will make me think of these particular people. memoirs, if you will. i cleaned out my dad's basement and found a bunch of things from high school and even middle school... yes, i was that kid. I even had love letters/"notes" written from all of my so-called friends from middle and high school... why did i keep these things? haha i had stuffed animals from guys i had dated, even ones that were from when they were little themselves. a collection of random 70s musicians on t shirts and even a jar that i'm pretty sure i was collecting gum in... yeah... kids are so funny.

and i just can't seem to get these things out of my head. it's not that i live in the past, i love my life and want no part of "going back" because i know a lot of people have regrets and wish they could re-live their past. Nope... i'm quite perfectly happy right here in the present. i love my life, my daughter and husband. i wouldn't trade the world for them!

but i guess in my "grown-up" life, i still kind of wonder... how the heck does my brain still think about these people. they've LONG forgot about me, and they probably wouldn't have any interest in even being my so-called "friend" on facebook. hahah.

so. I started thinking about this... I've been awake since 530 laying here thinking.. this is why I enjoy photographing... it's a constant reminder. if i have a photograph, i have a way of going back to my memories and remembering what happened. we kissed here, you wore those jeans that night, OMG do you remember those shoes!?!? It's those moments... every moment, that needs remembered and through photography I have a way of doing it.

i also think that this is why i can be apart from my husband and still be very happy with him. i see photos and smile and they take me back to a second, a feeling, a moment of joy that we brought to each other. and now, i look at photos of our daughter and i can say, wow... that was my birthday brunch or that was the first time she rode a horse.... whatever the memory may be, i will remember it.

this also happens when i think about people i know...it's like the Momma bear comes out in me... i can't get rid of that stroller or that t shirt or something, because i know someone will want it. someone, somewhere will need it. photographs i've taken of people,places, even down to the speedometer on my car, they document the times and places and feelings....emotions of my life.

i've kept a couple friends... they're all i really needed along the way. they, too, will go one day...

"i can't go back, i don't want to, all my mistakes, they've brought me to you"
this is the line that keeps repeating in my head. i don't want to go back... i just keep reminding myself, everything i have learned and experienced has brought me here...to this amazing life. thanks to all of you....

yes, even you, apple throwers and heart breakers, ex-boyfriends and "BFF"s who turned into BF for-nevers. i still remember you, because you have been a part of my journey.... to here, and i love you for that.