Since Goodbye, by definition, is to acknowledge a parting and seems so definite, we say See ya Soon in our house. Some families have serious struggles with deployment. Sometimes it seems like you can't find the right words and other times it is just the silence that says enough. At times, you want and wish you'd said more but then you realize that saying nothing won't allow the tears to fall from your eyes. And then there's what happens to me every time I say "See you Soon and I love you" to my husband.... I hardly say anything, avoid eye contact, and hope that it is over fast... Some may see this as a way of not expressing my love for him or wanting to push him away. But really, it is my way of getting the bad situation to end as quickly and go as smoothly as possible. The days before he leaves are heart-wrenching, hard and at times even downright annoying.... Packing up your worldly belongings, planning exactly what you'll use to wash your hair, brush your teeth, even down to counting your pairs of underwear... gathering up the granola bars, technology and snacks that will entertain you... knowing that you don't have a choice to go to the store and grab a donut or a starbucks coffee.... it's a very odd thing that some people never have to imagine. Have you ever had to make a choice between taking a Nature Valley bar over an extra towel in case yours goes to laundry and you never see it again??? I didn't think so. It's a very hard time. Everyone is stressed, full of emotions and sometimes just angry... you want to spend every waking moment cuddling on the couch or laying in bed but you can't because you have to pack and go to 3 different wal marts trying to find the right laundry bags or going to 4 different places trying to get boots... anxiety, depression, i'm not even really sure how this lifestyle really became a "way of life" but.. I guess we do it because we don't have a choice.
Since Kris and I met, years ago, we have constantly said See Ya Soon....not goodbye, not gone forever, but soon enough, we will hug each other again... We're apart so much that when we are together we don't even really know what to do.... we will walk around Target or the mall and just "be" for hours on end.... looking at clothes for the baby or taking Luna out in the backyard... it's so weird... time "off" is a foreign thing to us. The last few weeks were great... it's like getting a new roommate for a couple weeks... you go everywhere and have a good time and before you're sick of one another, off to work he goes again.. it's so odd. But, since we met, we have done it... back and forth from GA to SC from SC to DC and then from DC to VA and finally now... from VA to the USS Enterprise, wherever they may roam. So, we've done it all.... days apart, weeks apart, months apart... it's hard, but.. as a stranger once said at an FRG meeting.. you NEVER get "Used" to it, you only get "through" it. Well, all that changed almost a year ago.....
On March 15th, 2011, Clara was born. Our beautiful, innocent, amazing daughter changed our lives forever. We have a great family and a bunch of wonderful friends neither of which we would trade for the world... but, now we ARE a family... Luna got a little sister, we gained the title of Mom and Dad and both of us could not be happier. This little being, so pure, so perfect.....changed our lives from that day forward. Parting ways and "see ya soons" are harder than they have ever been. There are days when I don't even want her to go to sleep because I will miss her laugh. I cannot even imagine having to leave her for months only to come back and her be so different...
Today was his day... I watched him pick her up out of her crib this morning with tears in his eyes...She smiled so bright not knowing what would happen today. Just like any other day, so excited to see her Daddy, not knowing that later that day he would walk away from her with a seabag on his shoulder and tears dripping down his face, knowing that would be the last time he would hold her for months to come. While he is gone she will hit thousands of milestones in her life, new teeth, new shoes, walking, speaking, it will be a crazy adventure. He will also go through a deployment not knowing what will happen out there with this crazy world we are living in. None of that matters to him, dealing with the stress levels of work and deployment and his job compare nothing to holding onto his baby girl and being scared for her, knowing she is in good hands at home with her mom, but feeling worthless because he can't be there to help. I know he feels this, and there's nothing I can do.
So, as the wind blows off the water and I watch the flags on the ship wave in the wind and the satellite on the ship spin, these things rush through my head.... I say "see you soon" as fast as I can, hug him tight but don't wait too long, and try my hardest not to burst into tears....I need to be strong, for Clara, for me....but most importantly, for him. He needs to know I'm his rock, I'm here, holding up our life, keeping him involved with hundreds of photos, letters, emails, care packages, talks, you name it... But this has NEVER been harder... Kris and I can survive anything together, being apart is okay for us, we manage.... but everything has changed with Clara. Tomorrow when she wakes up, she will look for him, when I get in the car to drive, she will wonder if Daddy is going to play with her while I drive or play peek a boo in the mirror. When the tv comes on, she will want him there to dance with her. At bath time, she will miss him calling her the baby burrito... She is too young to understand why or how, but she will miss him, it will be confusing for her, I know. It is difficult and we will get through it, like everything else.
Next time you fight with your loved ones or say you wish you could get away, remember that the grass is always greener. Your life may be horrible but someone out there wishes they were in your shoes. Someone, somewhere. And to think, I'm one of thousands of wives that have gone through this and many more to come. So, love your country, support our military and hug your loved ones.... we do this for a reason beyond explanation.
.....we'll See you Soon, Daddy. Love you Forever.
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