spring.

Spring brings all kinds of things. change, renew-ing your life. and... cleaning. so i've been working on organizing things and getting stuff together for a huge yard sale i'm throwing at the end of the month and i just keep reminding myself that I haven't looked at these things in months to years... why keep them? So.. I'm going to have a pretty good yard sale. I'm throwing it to benefit Leukemia and Lymphoma society.. so I'm hoping to raise some money for their awesome cause.

Here's a picture of our little bunny bundled up right before the first few days of Springtime!

my sweet baby...

took clara outside for a while today to enjoy the much-needed sunshine. She crawled around in the dirt, got her pants dirty and ate some grass, while I chased her around taking photos and laid in the dirt with her. Then she decided that she was a puppy and played fetch for a good hour... I forgot how good Badger all-natural baby

My friend Brittany posted on her page "It's hard to be sad when the weather is this nice." and I'd have to agree... I'm so proud of my baby girl for getting her hands dirty and enjoying every second of it :) suntan lotion smells... yum! but, I also didn't know how hard it is to get it smeared on an almost-toddler... phew! but, we did it and she was super happy about it!

on going "home"

When you grow up and move out of your comfort zone you always long to go "home". You know that home really isn't what you think of it. Much like kids think things are huge when they're small. It's all relative. When you go to the place you spend some of your childhood years, you are reminded at how much you miss that place... i don't think it's because you miss that place i think it's truly you just miss being young.
the innocence of staring at people in public or blowing kisses to strangers. I love to watch Clara while we are in public to see what catches her eye. is it the person across the room who sneezes too loud or the waitress with crazy nail polish, perhaps it's even a person who has a phone in their hand and she thinks they're taking her photo (dunno where she gets that from) but when we go outside, it's always the birds. SHe will sign "bird" and point and yell and try to get down and run towards them.... and to the regular person, you may never even see what she is talking about and trying so hard to communicate, but to her, those birds are what she looks for and watches and they make her so happy. this is what going home is all about. the little things that you really loved when you were small.

my hope for her is that she doesn't have a "home"....crazy to say??? yes.

I don't want her to say "this is home" or "i grew up here" I want her to grow in all things. to see the world as her home. when you have a background that is whole and full then you have the ability to accept more things.... not following me? i'll help...
...I want our daughter to accept everything. i have just recently started to do this...it's a way of not seeing that things are different and shunning them, but accepting them as your life. that waitress with the funny colored nails, she's her own self, she's not different, but part of your world. i'm not too sure if someone will say this is a certain religion or type of understanding, but i want her to see everything and accept that that is the way people are.... pushing someone away and calling them weird isn't going to make them change, it's only going to make you not accept them... accepting that people are who they are, in turn helps you to realize who you are. yes, some people are funny and different and that's okay, but accept that and be happy and learn about yourself through them. no, i don't really care for nail polish, but there was a time when i used to paint my nails every night... phases, whole-ness and your world... make the world your home... not a specific type of place. if there is love and family, there is a home and the world will give you that.

so yes, i still love the smell of bacon frying in the morning when i go to my dads or blueberry muffins at my moms and i'm learning about dough-cakes at my in-laws house.... and those things do always make you feel good... but home is what you make of it....it's not a place or items that exist, you exist in it.

"There goes my life ...."

When I was working in the restaurant industry I had a boss that no one liked that well. I mean, he had to run a tight ship and get everyone to run a fast-paced restaurant without too many people crying or fighting or having any kind of drama.. Well, there were a lot of times when he and I were in the office, sweating from the poor circulation of the room, counting thousands of dollars in cash, making the numbers add up....running numbers of food versus wine and liquor sales and food costs...over and over every night that's where we were... i would add up all the numbers from the servers and get everything ready for the following day... boring stuff, but has to be done. Sometimes, if it were a good night, we would sing and laugh and carry on and other times there were nights where we'd hardly say anything. But, Being in those close quarters working with someone you tend to have a pretty good relationship with one another otherwise you'd never make it. I looked up to him a lot for his accomplishments. Barely in his 30's he was running a really successful restaurant and did a damn good job. Well, I remember one conversation, among many that we had. I had just broken up with a guy I was with and I was feeling pretty rough about it. He could tell and just touched my shoulder and said.. "You'll be okay...whatever you do, stay away from tv, radio, etc. because it will only make you cry more."

Well, I thought about that today as I watched my husband's ship cross the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel. It was cool and the wind was fierce and I watched people with "Don't Tread on me" flags and American flags and others with balloons... This is the second to last time that ship will cross the tunnel... on the way home it will be the last. As I'm watching all these people squinting at this massive ship going by from the sunlight hitting their eyes... I was reminded of a country song by Kenny Chesney called "There goes my life" It's a super heart-wrenching song about a guy who finds out he will be a daddy and then it changes his life. His initial response was his life was over, but then as time went on, he realized that that IS his life.....

This is how I view deployment.. Kris leaving isn't ending my life... yes, a piece of my heart is sailing around in the ocean somewhere right now, but life isn't over because he is gone. This IS my life. We chose it, this is what Navy and all military families do. So, I'm not up for sitting home and crying and being upset because "My life is in ....blah blah blah" mantras. No, that's not the way you should be viewing it people... c'mon, it's not like you woke up and your husband left you forever... you're a military family... and no, don't get over it, just through it..

So, I think back to what my old manager said.. yes, staying away from movies and tv and radio will do you a lot of good when you're feeling down, he was so right... chose your own music, make it happy and upbeat and if you have a dog or friend or, in my case, a toddler, sitting around, get up and dance with them. make a fool of yourself because life is too short!

So, "there goes my life" I will turn into "there goes a piece of my heart, but he will be back and our house will be a home again"

http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kenny-chesney-lyrics/there-goes-my-life-lyrics.html"
there's the lyrics if you're interested.

"See you soon"-Daddy's gone on deployment

Since Goodbye, by definition, is to acknowledge a parting and seems so definite, we say See ya Soon in our house. Some families have serious struggles with deployment. Sometimes it seems like you can't find the right words and other times it is just the silence that says enough. At times, you want and wish you'd said more but then you realize that saying nothing won't allow the tears to fall from your eyes. And then there's what happens to me every time I say "See you Soon and I love you" to my husband.... I hardly say anything, avoid eye contact, and hope that it is over fast... Some may see this as a way of not expressing my love for him or wanting to push him away. But really, it is my way of getting the bad situation to end as quickly and go as smoothly as possible. The days before he leaves are heart-wrenching, hard and at times even downright annoying.... Packing up your worldly belongings, planning exactly what you'll use to wash your hair, brush your teeth, even down to counting your pairs of underwear... gathering up the granola bars, technology and snacks that will entertain you... knowing that you don't have a choice to go to the store and grab a donut or a starbucks coffee.... it's a very odd thing that some people never have to imagine. Have you ever had to make a choice between taking a Nature Valley bar over an extra towel in case yours goes to laundry and you never see it again??? I didn't think so. It's a very hard time. Everyone is stressed, full of emotions and sometimes just angry... you want to spend every waking moment cuddling on the couch or laying in bed but you can't because you have to pack and go to 3 different wal marts trying to find the right laundry bags or going to 4 different places trying to get boots... anxiety, depression, i'm not even really sure how this lifestyle really became a "way of life" but.. I guess we do it because we don't have a choice.

Since Kris and I met, years ago, we have constantly said See Ya Soon....not goodbye, not gone forever, but soon enough, we will hug each other again... We're apart so much that when we are together we don't even really know what to do.... we will walk around Target or the mall and just "be" for hours on end.... looking at clothes for the baby or taking Luna out in the backyard... it's so weird... time "off" is a foreign thing to us. The last few weeks were great... it's like getting a new roommate for a couple weeks... you go everywhere and have a good time and before you're sick of one another, off to work he goes again.. it's so odd. But, since we met, we have done it... back and forth from GA to SC from SC to DC and then from DC to VA and finally now... from VA to the USS Enterprise, wherever they may roam. So, we've done it all.... days apart, weeks apart, months apart... it's hard, but.. as a stranger once said at an FRG meeting.. you NEVER get "Used" to it, you only get "through" it. Well, all that changed almost a year ago.....

On March 15th, 2011, Clara was born. Our beautiful, innocent, amazing daughter changed our lives forever. We have a great family and a bunch of wonderful friends neither of which we would trade for the world... but, now we ARE a family... Luna got a little sister, we gained the title of Mom and Dad and both of us could not be happier. This little being, so pure, so perfect.....changed our lives from that day forward. Parting ways and "see ya soons" are harder than they have ever been. There are days when I don't even want her to go to sleep because I will miss her laugh. I cannot even imagine having to leave her for months only to come back and her be so different...

Today was his day... I watched him pick her up out of her crib this morning with tears in his eyes...She smiled so bright not knowing what would happen today. Just like any other day, so excited to see her Daddy, not knowing that later that day he would walk away from her with a seabag on his shoulder and tears dripping down his face, knowing that would be the last time he would hold her for months to come. While he is gone she will hit thousands of milestones in her life, new teeth, new shoes, walking, speaking, it will be a crazy adventure. He will also go through a deployment not knowing what will happen out there with this crazy world we are living in. None of that matters to him, dealing with the stress levels of work and deployment and his job compare nothing to holding onto his baby girl and being scared for her, knowing she is in good hands at home with her mom, but feeling worthless because he can't be there to help. I know he feels this, and there's nothing I can do.

So, as the wind blows off the water and I watch the flags on the ship wave in the wind and the satellite on the ship spin, these things rush through my head.... I say "see you soon" as fast as I can, hug him tight but don't wait too long, and try my hardest not to burst into tears....I need to be strong, for Clara, for me....but most importantly, for him. He needs to know I'm his rock, I'm here, holding up our life, keeping him involved with hundreds of photos, letters, emails, care packages, talks, you name it... But this has NEVER been harder... Kris and I can survive anything together, being apart is okay for us, we manage.... but everything has changed with Clara. Tomorrow when she wakes up, she will look for him, when I get in the car to drive, she will wonder if Daddy is going to play with her while I drive or play peek a boo in the mirror. When the tv comes on, she will want him there to dance with her. At bath time, she will miss him calling her the baby burrito... She is too young to understand why or how, but she will miss him, it will be confusing for her, I know. It is difficult and we will get through it, like everything else.

Next time you fight with your loved ones or say you wish you could get away, remember that the grass is always greener. Your life may be horrible but someone out there wishes they were in your shoes. Someone, somewhere. And to think, I'm one of thousands of wives that have gone through this and many more to come. So, love your country, support our military and hug your loved ones.... we do this for a reason beyond explanation.

.....we'll See you Soon, Daddy. Love you Forever.

contemplation.

seriously... what goes on inside a baby's mind?

Never smile at a crocodile.

Sometimes in life you just need a good laugh.

Right now Clara has begun her mimicking stage. She will laugh when you laugh and probably cry if I started to cry at her... she has also started picking up on the sign language I have used with her since she was about 5 months old. She can sign almost 25 things....if you or someone you know is having a baby I HIGHLY reccommend it. There are times when she cannot say the word but she can sign things to me. She will point out babies and dogs everywhere we go so she can sign to me. I'm telling you, thank god she got Kris's brains (sidenote: I'm not the dullest crayon in the box myself )... but, i'm going to be in for it pretty soon, she is TOO smart!

Garden Party

Camelias in bloom

When I was pregnant and "nesting" I was so excited because right outside the window of my baby's room was a huge Camelia tree. As I moved things around and decorated and got ready for my litle bundle of joy, I watched that bush nonstop. There was a bird who nested in there once and there were buds covering the whole thing by mid-February. So I said over and over how great it would be that when Clara's big arrival was upon us... the Camelia's would be blooming. Well, Clara was 6 days late and they still didnt bloom until the following week. A couple here and there, but nothing like it is right now. The bush looks like Alice in Wonderland "painting the roses red" bush... it's bursting with color.

For xmas Gramma got Clara a new pair of gDiapers (cloth diapering system I'm using) they are called "Garden Party" I had an idea for an outift for her, but these little diapers were just too cute to cover up....so, we went without. :)

Her facial expressions make it so hard for me to pick favorites... her quirky little attitude shows all the time. Goodness she is amazing.

meanwhile...

A and V's party was a success, until this crazy girl had too much cake.. hahah this picture cracked me up :)

Happy 1st Birthday, A and V!!

Are they adorable, or what? These girls were born a month before Clara and they together almost equal her weight... it's incredible how different babies can be same in age but way different in size. I find it amazing the difference only a few weeks makes. With twins, it's a totally different ballgame, but either way, these little girls amaze me. I'm so glad I got to be a part of your little get-together! Can't wait for secrets, tea parties and your first big fight over the same toy with Clara. (I know you already fight now, but in a nonverbal way :))

Beach Trip, yep, in February

Seems funny that the previous post had photos of snow... well, welcome to our part of the world. I swear, I have a jacket and a pair of flip flops in the trunk at all times, because I never know what's going to happen out there!!

Clara cheered Luna on the entire time, it was so funny. She has seen Luna play fetch hundreds of times and still finds it absolutely hilarious. :)

Snow in Ocean View!!

It hardly snows here and sticks, so I had to take advantage of the tiny bit we got. :) Clara was unsure of it, and she definitely didn't like the fact that her hands were covered up!!

birthday party

Due to the upcoming deployment, we had to have Clara's birthday party a month early... she had a very long day but was so good. she wouldnt even destroy her cake (which is what everyone expected)

out of commission....SORRY!

I had to take advantage of time not working to get my equipment up to date... but I'm back in business... looking forward to shooting more photos :) Of course, of my baby girl!


I vow to take out my camera at least 3-4 times a week... It's hard because she's into everything these days :) and when she sees me she runs.

ponytail girl

her first day with a ponytail. Momma has waited for this for a long time! Finally the mohawk is no more :) Well, it's still under there,