Mariela's First Communion

Here are a few of my favorites from a First Communion I attended yesterday. Mariela was such a beautiful girl, it really was hard to take a bad photo of her. I was honored to be a part of the Gonzalez family for the day and help them capture these lovely memories forever. Your gallery will be posted soon! Hope you enjoy the sneak peek!

Beach Day in Cool Weather

My best friend from Augusta came up to visit for a weekend and we were able to hang out a bit at the beach. Too bad it wasn't warmer weather, but we made the best of it.

Love these girls!

thorns

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby

I found this quote a while back and I always think about love like roses. Because it does hurt at times... and no, this isn't another sappy silly "my husbands on deployment" blog post. So, don't get out your tissues yet! :) However, you do everything for those you love, everything you possibly can.

Poor baby bear has been having a terrible time with diaper changing time. We have done everything.... letting her go naked, giving her special toys or books when she's getting it changed.... even singing ridiculous songs. Trust me, I have read about it, looking through magazines and blogs and a never-ending array of parenting references trying so hard to figure out why they HATE diaper changes. Here's my theory...

Other than being held down, I think it's that she is remembering more now.. she knows that it has hurt her in the past and now she hates it. well, this time, it has been completely terrifying because something that she has been eating has been giving her terrible booty rash.. like, to the point of her screaming and shaking and clinging onto me like i'm going to throw her into a big pit of molten lava with alligators floating in it... yeah, just like that... don't ask why the alligators don't melt... :) guess that's what makes it scary...

so, with motherhood comes a lot of learned things.. and one is definitely to get through thorns in your baby's life... sorry kid, i know you're crying and screaming but, I've gotta do this.. i'm sorry. and, quite honestly, if you had asked me to do this circus act 8 months ago, I would have run for the hills, but now, since it's an everyday occurrance, it is getting so routine.

I guess, in some kinds of love, the thorns are still there, but you build callouses on your hands to defend yourself against them so you can get to the real true love which is... a happy baby bear. :)

a newfound interest...

Clara's new thing is standing... She's getting really good at it. Still no steps yet, but she will get there one day soon, I'm sure. :)

Today we drove 2.5 hours to meet up with my godmothers for lunch/dinner and then go to the park.. on the way there she somehow managed to dump her sippy cup onto her lap, so I changed her into her cute dress for the restaurant, mind you, in the parking lot... so she would look good, knowing we would do photos of her at some point. Well, this newfound interest that she has in standing proved that wearing dresses is only something you can do if you can stand....and walk... otherwise she just got very aggravated with us. So, here's some photos in outfit number 3 of the day... When I was 15 weeks pregnant we got a sonogram to find out the sex of our baby... after almost an hour, two trips to go "clear my bladder" and two different women pushing on my belly, she finally gave us a little peek to see her little "hamburger" as they called it... I was so happy to have a baby girl :) they're a lot more fun than boys to dress and decorate for. But, before I was pregnant I never really wanted a girl because I'm pretty far from being girly myself... but, I'm getting there. Anyhow, that lady called clara a "diva"... and today, with all of her outfit changes that was pretty fitting.....

I had a good time being outside and letting Clara be in her element. She was SOOOO good on the ride there and the restaurant and even the ride home until we sat in traffic for the tunnel... nothing is more annoying than practically being able to see home and not knowing when you'll get there. well, perhaps there is something more annoying. . . seeing the pier where your husband's ship used to reside and knowing that it will be cold outside before he is back home. yeah, that's way more annoying...

moms and the blog that hit me...

read this blog first... it's awesome:

http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/


After reading this I was totally blown away... as tears streamed down my face I was reminded of these very aspects of life...

My mom came up and spent two weeks here and it was great. Yes, it'a hard having 3 adults living in an 800 square foot home, and it's even harder throwing three generations of strong-willed females... even though one is just barely 1 year old... she's still very strong-minded, if not more so than the previous generations. After reading her blog post, I was suddenly stopped and thought back.. No, I can't really say "I miss you" to my mom because we haven't always been close. FOr so long, I pushed my mom away. She would help and I would take from her, and then I would just blow her off, not realizing that the only thing she really wants, as with any mom out there, is to be loved and involved... what used to be a phone call or something every 4 months or so, turned into now, it is a very odd day if I don't email her like 5-10 photos and call at least once.. jokingly, we always say it is when I'm in traffic. (Our phone calls used to be really long when I lived in DC) I have been racking my mind trying to come up with the turning point.. when did I decide that having my mom in my life is really what I needed. well, i think i have figured it out..

when i was livign in Georgia, i was in a very bad relationship status... i was still very immature with love, i thought that fighting and making up was a way of loving.. i was confused. i felt that having a "boyfriend" meant that you needed to cry at least a few times a week and then make up, just to prove to yourself you could make it through anything. I now know this is definitely NOT the way to love or be loved. now, don't get me wrong... i did love then, but as far as being in a real relationship with someone... that didn't really happen, and possibly i think it was because I loved deeper than anyone i knew... but.. back to the story

so, one night, after a terrible horrible fight I went into Bonefish grill, which is where i was working at the time. Some "regulars" were there and they encouraged me to drink and said they'd pay for everything, and being that I wasn't even really sure at that point in my life where I would be sleeping due to the nature of the fight i had, i decided... okay, sure, why not? right? if i say no to that I'm CRAZY... well, I went in at 5... we left when they closed the restaurant... from there we went to a bar called Cadillacs.. I didn't know where this bar was, because i had never been there, and quite honestly, i've never been back. Well, let's sum this up and say, I don't remember being there at all... I don't remember leaving and I don't remember wrecking my car... but, there are some things that I do remember... I pulled into a residential area and got out of the car looking at the mess I had made, i rolled across the front of the hood to try to smash it down because i could barely see out of the front window. at this point i felt the need to run... away from the car... i'm not sure if it wouldn't start, because everything is pretty hazy. having broken my phone in a previous fight earlier in the week, i only had about 3 numbers in my phone... one being my best friend Ashley, one being my work number, and the other being my moms... well, what do i do?? i walked a long time, probably about 2 miles.. one of my flipflops broke and i sat on the guardrail on the side of the road and just cried and thought about how messed up everything in life was... i had hit the bottom of the rock's bottom... i called my friend's house phone like 10 times, each time leaving messages that the following day we could not decipher.. no answer... should I call my mom? well, i dunno... so i kept walking, then decided to call work.. our manager came and picked me up and took me home where i passed out until the sunlight creeped into my bedroom and woke me up... i opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling "was this a dream? did this really happen?" at this point, the only thing that moved was my eyelids... this had to be a dream... as I started to move my legs, I realized that as stiff as I was, this wasn't a dream... crawled out of bed and went to the window.. where's my car?....yep, this isn't a dream at all... i went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face and as i did I look in the mirror to see my shoulder covered in bruises, my knees were busted open from the impact of the dashboard and my feet had tiny pieces of rock and glass shoved inside from the walk home.. wow... what had i done? So, as anyone who blacks out at night will tell you, the first thing i did was look at my phone.. ashley had called a bunch of times and before i knew it she was at my door.... "get in the car, and lets find it" okay... we drove around for 3 days with her 3 year old twins in the backseat trying to find my damn car.. i couldn't remember.. i had not a clue where i had been. finally after calling the cops and figuring it out, my car had been picked up by a tow truck and was somewhere in BFE in south carolina... well, now what??? my ex wasn't going to help me... I had hardly any money and I had no stinking clue where to go or what to do... well, call on my mom.

they picked me up and the drive to this weird place was pretty quiet. nothing really needed to be said. i was stupid. i knew better. really? what else is there to say? what the F was I thinking? yeah, possibly. I wish to this day I had photographed that poor car... it seriously looked like someone had erased the front part of it. And, at some point in time, I had fishtailed.. I'm pretty sure after piecing together the memories that I hit a guardrail somewhere, but I honestly can't say what happened.

how does this story end and come back around to my mom.. well, everything happens for a reason i guess, after this, i was going to my moms house for dinners, bringing my friends over to meet her and keeping in touch. there's a reason i lived through that day, and i'm not too sure what the main reason is, but i will tell you that one thing i realized is you only have one chance at life. one. thats it.. one fight and one day could change you. so yes, it shook me up, yes I lived to see another day and No, at that time, I didn't really realize the life lessons I learned, but, mom helped me, once again, bailed me out and got me on track.. and i think had she lectured me and continued to bring that day up and throw it in my face, i would probably not feel so strongly about it.. but i learned it, she just helped me out.

once you're a mom, you learn love.. love in a different way. everyone will try to explain it, but no one can. it's beautiful. the ability to do anything for someone, even when you know they were wrong to begin with.. that's the most beautiful part. it cannot be seen or heard... it just exists and is. my mom was there for me that day when i needed her. ashley was there with her kids and every so often i would turn around and look at them in the backseat and tears would roll down my face....they are so lucky, i am so lucky... moms are amazing. i hope to be this for Clara one day...

dreams, realizations and photography

I think I was born without the ability to throw people away.... please let me explain.

I wasn't very popular in school, i mean, at one point in my life I even had things thrown in my face, apples thrown at my head in first period (yeah, that's like 7 in the morning, i dunno, i guess these kids were being fed coffee at a young age... all i wanted to do was sneak bits and pieces of a pop tart from my bag.) ...Lots of people made me cry, i had lots of terrible relationships, one that i couldn't let go of throughout all of high school. and i guess i have problems with letting go at all, of anything.

last night i had a dream, well, i guess i should say another dream.... i have these vivid dreams all the time. lots of times they involve me and friends i've had in the past. Maybe ex-boyfriends, former lovers or even just people i randomly know. Yeah, they are vivid, like at times I wake up and wonder where the heck those people are in their lives. well, I'm not too sure. but, they happen. so i look on facebook and see them, exactly how i remembered them... it's so weird.

i think sometimes things i see or possibly songs i hear will make me think of these particular people. memoirs, if you will. i cleaned out my dad's basement and found a bunch of things from high school and even middle school... yes, i was that kid. I even had love letters/"notes" written from all of my so-called friends from middle and high school... why did i keep these things? haha i had stuffed animals from guys i had dated, even ones that were from when they were little themselves. a collection of random 70s musicians on t shirts and even a jar that i'm pretty sure i was collecting gum in... yeah... kids are so funny.

and i just can't seem to get these things out of my head. it's not that i live in the past, i love my life and want no part of "going back" because i know a lot of people have regrets and wish they could re-live their past. Nope... i'm quite perfectly happy right here in the present. i love my life, my daughter and husband. i wouldn't trade the world for them!

but i guess in my "grown-up" life, i still kind of wonder... how the heck does my brain still think about these people. they've LONG forgot about me, and they probably wouldn't have any interest in even being my so-called "friend" on facebook. hahah.

so. I started thinking about this... I've been awake since 530 laying here thinking.. this is why I enjoy photographing... it's a constant reminder. if i have a photograph, i have a way of going back to my memories and remembering what happened. we kissed here, you wore those jeans that night, OMG do you remember those shoes!?!? It's those moments... every moment, that needs remembered and through photography I have a way of doing it.

i also think that this is why i can be apart from my husband and still be very happy with him. i see photos and smile and they take me back to a second, a feeling, a moment of joy that we brought to each other. and now, i look at photos of our daughter and i can say, wow... that was my birthday brunch or that was the first time she rode a horse.... whatever the memory may be, i will remember it.

this also happens when i think about people i know...it's like the Momma bear comes out in me... i can't get rid of that stroller or that t shirt or something, because i know someone will want it. someone, somewhere will need it. photographs i've taken of people,places, even down to the speedometer on my car, they document the times and places and feelings....emotions of my life.

i've kept a couple friends... they're all i really needed along the way. they, too, will go one day...

"i can't go back, i don't want to, all my mistakes, they've brought me to you"
this is the line that keeps repeating in my head. i don't want to go back... i just keep reminding myself, everything i have learned and experienced has brought me here...to this amazing life. thanks to all of you....

yes, even you, apple throwers and heart breakers, ex-boyfriends and "BFF"s who turned into BF for-nevers. i still remember you, because you have been a part of my journey.... to here, and i love you for that.