slow down! :)

As I watch my little girl change daily right inf ront of my eyes. I'm just reminded at how quickly things can switch around. Sometimes she will look at me and I see a totally different person than I did 300 days ago. And as I think about that in comparison to my husband... he is going to be gone for well over 200 days.. I just think about the numbers. Clara has been in 1/14 of my life now but she has changed it forever. She has change so many things... Christmas will NEVER be the same, Halloween won't either. I just can't believe how much she has changed, and so fast.

Here's a little look into our day outside in the yard... first she had to examine the car.... then she did a little ladylike sitting thing on it... and then she heaved her legs onto it and clapped :) she was so happy with herself. :) I just hope that pretty soon she starts figuring out that she can push the toy with her feet, I tried showing her how but she looked at me like i was crazy
Well, today, she has done it.... she is making big progress in her walking abilities... yesterday, she was getting on and off of her little car (and would get super excited when she did...) and today she has decided that standing on her own is a really cool thing. But, she gets there and then gets scared and doesn't know what to do so she sits down. I think in a couple weeks she will be walking... and lord help us all then... she's already a terror. :)

Her new favorite sign right now is airplane.. even inside the house if she hears one she will sign airplane :) it's pretty often, since we live right in the flight zone of NNSY.

Before you know it she will be driving a car... not just excited because she can maneuver herself up onto one. be careful, my sweet baby. you're moving too fast.

found this and had to repost it... every word is true

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return.
I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home.
I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me.
You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him.

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.
What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most.
I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for.
I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second.
A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living.

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a life time.
You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me.
You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady.
You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea.
What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.
You don't see, but I'm one of the few who gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time the National Anthem is played.
I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside.

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through.
You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do.
You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better.
You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hands as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time.
You don't know what that last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truly is.

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face staring silently at the ground.
What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know.
You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one.
I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful.
What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing.
I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Sailor, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.

oh, camera phone :)

Everyone has a camera phone these days... and it's so easy just just upload and email everything away! I love it. It makes it so easy to send Kris little snippets of our day and try our best to keep him involved.

As I was skimming through my facebook I noticed these photos... Kris will hate me for his "goofy face" photo of him and Clara doing some shopping in target... but, the other one is our baby's first day wearing jeans haha I know it's silly...and most people probably aren't this way about their child, but to me, this being our first and only child... i want to document everything. I honestly wish I could have her videotaped 24 hours a day, and yes, even when she's sleeping, is anything cuter??? AHH! I just can't get enough of her. she's smart and sweet and even has a little temper that somewhat makes me smile, but sometimes drives me crazy. but, only the things that you love have the ability to drive you crazy... The last photo is of Clara acting like a dog.... she pants, plays fetch and even tries to eat dog food... it's hilarious. She really thinks that she's supposed to act that way... Babies are very similar to puppies, repetition is key... but, I'm hoping she gets over that stage soon...

I feel like so many people take little things for granted... pay attention to your kids... seriously? as I'm taking photos of my kid in target, the next aisle over there's a mom on her phone, ignoring her child, drinking starbucks and not taking the opportunity to talk... talk to them, sing, even if you don't know the words, trust me, they'll laugh... point things out and talk... it's not that hard.. i promise, we do it all day long. sometimes it is hard for me to shift back into adult mode because I'm in the pre-toddler mode all day long when I'm with her... but, that's my job.. I'm a mom.. I'm not worried about talking to other adults near as much as I am my baby... every second counts with her right now. every single one. all those other people will be around at a later date.... and they'll understand. she needs me.. and yeah, i still have a life, i leave her with a babysitter when i have things I can't take her along, but... I'm just saying that there are plenty of times when parents could really take advantage of those moments that are ever-so-quickly leaving you...sorry... went on a rant.. i just hate seeing people with kids when they don't even pay attention to them. and more often than not.. those are the ones complaining later that their kid is misbehaving.. or... "I dunno where they learned that" when you're doing the same thing right in front of them..

hope you like my little snippets of life as much as I know my relatives and husband do..

changes

I went to the doctors today and other than being overweight (who isn't) and tired (really... is anyone not-tired?) I didn't have any complaints.(brought to mind... Ani DiFranco song lyrics "everybody hates their job, no one gets enough sleep) As he asked me three more times if I needed a prescription filled of any kind.. I just said "no" and went about my merry little way feeling good about not taking daily drugs to help me survive. I talked with him a long time about change... really thats how you lose weight... in fact... change is how you do everything in life... when someone says they are afraid of change, they really just must be afraid of living.

the variables of life are constantly changing, from seasons and weather straight down to changing out the roll of toilet paper before it gets too late and then you're stuck sitting there to drip dry.. well, we've all been there.

I MUST change.... everyday, Clara changes, she's getting older, smarter (sometimes too smart) and faster as every day passes... before long she will be forming sentences, running away and wanting her drivers license... change. everyday i must sit back and say today, i will accomplish something great. well, teaching my child is my accomplishment right now, but i need to change that. she will continue to learn, but with her, i must learn. i must sit at night and remind myself how to sign different words and look up different ways to entertain toddlers or teach them this and that and whatever... i'm slightly obsessed with google and reading before i go to bed about what "some expert" loves or hates or thinks... and i form my own opinions but... let's get down to the real science... the big question... the ultimate answer... change..

if i am going to be healthier, happier, smarter, faster.....something needs to change. I NEED TO CHANGE.
well, here it goes....
change is the only way you can survive. your life is changing with or without you....

PS... look at those beautiful lashes her Daddy gave her!!!

spring.

Spring brings all kinds of things. change, renew-ing your life. and... cleaning. so i've been working on organizing things and getting stuff together for a huge yard sale i'm throwing at the end of the month and i just keep reminding myself that I haven't looked at these things in months to years... why keep them? So.. I'm going to have a pretty good yard sale. I'm throwing it to benefit Leukemia and Lymphoma society.. so I'm hoping to raise some money for their awesome cause.

Here's a picture of our little bunny bundled up right before the first few days of Springtime!

my sweet baby...

took clara outside for a while today to enjoy the much-needed sunshine. She crawled around in the dirt, got her pants dirty and ate some grass, while I chased her around taking photos and laid in the dirt with her. Then she decided that she was a puppy and played fetch for a good hour... I forgot how good Badger all-natural baby

My friend Brittany posted on her page "It's hard to be sad when the weather is this nice." and I'd have to agree... I'm so proud of my baby girl for getting her hands dirty and enjoying every second of it :) suntan lotion smells... yum! but, I also didn't know how hard it is to get it smeared on an almost-toddler... phew! but, we did it and she was super happy about it!

on going "home"

When you grow up and move out of your comfort zone you always long to go "home". You know that home really isn't what you think of it. Much like kids think things are huge when they're small. It's all relative. When you go to the place you spend some of your childhood years, you are reminded at how much you miss that place... i don't think it's because you miss that place i think it's truly you just miss being young.
the innocence of staring at people in public or blowing kisses to strangers. I love to watch Clara while we are in public to see what catches her eye. is it the person across the room who sneezes too loud or the waitress with crazy nail polish, perhaps it's even a person who has a phone in their hand and she thinks they're taking her photo (dunno where she gets that from) but when we go outside, it's always the birds. SHe will sign "bird" and point and yell and try to get down and run towards them.... and to the regular person, you may never even see what she is talking about and trying so hard to communicate, but to her, those birds are what she looks for and watches and they make her so happy. this is what going home is all about. the little things that you really loved when you were small.

my hope for her is that she doesn't have a "home"....crazy to say??? yes.

I don't want her to say "this is home" or "i grew up here" I want her to grow in all things. to see the world as her home. when you have a background that is whole and full then you have the ability to accept more things.... not following me? i'll help...
...I want our daughter to accept everything. i have just recently started to do this...it's a way of not seeing that things are different and shunning them, but accepting them as your life. that waitress with the funny colored nails, she's her own self, she's not different, but part of your world. i'm not too sure if someone will say this is a certain religion or type of understanding, but i want her to see everything and accept that that is the way people are.... pushing someone away and calling them weird isn't going to make them change, it's only going to make you not accept them... accepting that people are who they are, in turn helps you to realize who you are. yes, some people are funny and different and that's okay, but accept that and be happy and learn about yourself through them. no, i don't really care for nail polish, but there was a time when i used to paint my nails every night... phases, whole-ness and your world... make the world your home... not a specific type of place. if there is love and family, there is a home and the world will give you that.

so yes, i still love the smell of bacon frying in the morning when i go to my dads or blueberry muffins at my moms and i'm learning about dough-cakes at my in-laws house.... and those things do always make you feel good... but home is what you make of it....it's not a place or items that exist, you exist in it.

"There goes my life ...."

When I was working in the restaurant industry I had a boss that no one liked that well. I mean, he had to run a tight ship and get everyone to run a fast-paced restaurant without too many people crying or fighting or having any kind of drama.. Well, there were a lot of times when he and I were in the office, sweating from the poor circulation of the room, counting thousands of dollars in cash, making the numbers add up....running numbers of food versus wine and liquor sales and food costs...over and over every night that's where we were... i would add up all the numbers from the servers and get everything ready for the following day... boring stuff, but has to be done. Sometimes, if it were a good night, we would sing and laugh and carry on and other times there were nights where we'd hardly say anything. But, Being in those close quarters working with someone you tend to have a pretty good relationship with one another otherwise you'd never make it. I looked up to him a lot for his accomplishments. Barely in his 30's he was running a really successful restaurant and did a damn good job. Well, I remember one conversation, among many that we had. I had just broken up with a guy I was with and I was feeling pretty rough about it. He could tell and just touched my shoulder and said.. "You'll be okay...whatever you do, stay away from tv, radio, etc. because it will only make you cry more."

Well, I thought about that today as I watched my husband's ship cross the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel. It was cool and the wind was fierce and I watched people with "Don't Tread on me" flags and American flags and others with balloons... This is the second to last time that ship will cross the tunnel... on the way home it will be the last. As I'm watching all these people squinting at this massive ship going by from the sunlight hitting their eyes... I was reminded of a country song by Kenny Chesney called "There goes my life" It's a super heart-wrenching song about a guy who finds out he will be a daddy and then it changes his life. His initial response was his life was over, but then as time went on, he realized that that IS his life.....

This is how I view deployment.. Kris leaving isn't ending my life... yes, a piece of my heart is sailing around in the ocean somewhere right now, but life isn't over because he is gone. This IS my life. We chose it, this is what Navy and all military families do. So, I'm not up for sitting home and crying and being upset because "My life is in ....blah blah blah" mantras. No, that's not the way you should be viewing it people... c'mon, it's not like you woke up and your husband left you forever... you're a military family... and no, don't get over it, just through it..

So, I think back to what my old manager said.. yes, staying away from movies and tv and radio will do you a lot of good when you're feeling down, he was so right... chose your own music, make it happy and upbeat and if you have a dog or friend or, in my case, a toddler, sitting around, get up and dance with them. make a fool of yourself because life is too short!

So, "there goes my life" I will turn into "there goes a piece of my heart, but he will be back and our house will be a home again"

http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kenny-chesney-lyrics/there-goes-my-life-lyrics.html"
there's the lyrics if you're interested.

"See you soon"-Daddy's gone on deployment

Since Goodbye, by definition, is to acknowledge a parting and seems so definite, we say See ya Soon in our house. Some families have serious struggles with deployment. Sometimes it seems like you can't find the right words and other times it is just the silence that says enough. At times, you want and wish you'd said more but then you realize that saying nothing won't allow the tears to fall from your eyes. And then there's what happens to me every time I say "See you Soon and I love you" to my husband.... I hardly say anything, avoid eye contact, and hope that it is over fast... Some may see this as a way of not expressing my love for him or wanting to push him away. But really, it is my way of getting the bad situation to end as quickly and go as smoothly as possible. The days before he leaves are heart-wrenching, hard and at times even downright annoying.... Packing up your worldly belongings, planning exactly what you'll use to wash your hair, brush your teeth, even down to counting your pairs of underwear... gathering up the granola bars, technology and snacks that will entertain you... knowing that you don't have a choice to go to the store and grab a donut or a starbucks coffee.... it's a very odd thing that some people never have to imagine. Have you ever had to make a choice between taking a Nature Valley bar over an extra towel in case yours goes to laundry and you never see it again??? I didn't think so. It's a very hard time. Everyone is stressed, full of emotions and sometimes just angry... you want to spend every waking moment cuddling on the couch or laying in bed but you can't because you have to pack and go to 3 different wal marts trying to find the right laundry bags or going to 4 different places trying to get boots... anxiety, depression, i'm not even really sure how this lifestyle really became a "way of life" but.. I guess we do it because we don't have a choice.

Since Kris and I met, years ago, we have constantly said See Ya Soon....not goodbye, not gone forever, but soon enough, we will hug each other again... We're apart so much that when we are together we don't even really know what to do.... we will walk around Target or the mall and just "be" for hours on end.... looking at clothes for the baby or taking Luna out in the backyard... it's so weird... time "off" is a foreign thing to us. The last few weeks were great... it's like getting a new roommate for a couple weeks... you go everywhere and have a good time and before you're sick of one another, off to work he goes again.. it's so odd. But, since we met, we have done it... back and forth from GA to SC from SC to DC and then from DC to VA and finally now... from VA to the USS Enterprise, wherever they may roam. So, we've done it all.... days apart, weeks apart, months apart... it's hard, but.. as a stranger once said at an FRG meeting.. you NEVER get "Used" to it, you only get "through" it. Well, all that changed almost a year ago.....

On March 15th, 2011, Clara was born. Our beautiful, innocent, amazing daughter changed our lives forever. We have a great family and a bunch of wonderful friends neither of which we would trade for the world... but, now we ARE a family... Luna got a little sister, we gained the title of Mom and Dad and both of us could not be happier. This little being, so pure, so perfect.....changed our lives from that day forward. Parting ways and "see ya soons" are harder than they have ever been. There are days when I don't even want her to go to sleep because I will miss her laugh. I cannot even imagine having to leave her for months only to come back and her be so different...

Today was his day... I watched him pick her up out of her crib this morning with tears in his eyes...She smiled so bright not knowing what would happen today. Just like any other day, so excited to see her Daddy, not knowing that later that day he would walk away from her with a seabag on his shoulder and tears dripping down his face, knowing that would be the last time he would hold her for months to come. While he is gone she will hit thousands of milestones in her life, new teeth, new shoes, walking, speaking, it will be a crazy adventure. He will also go through a deployment not knowing what will happen out there with this crazy world we are living in. None of that matters to him, dealing with the stress levels of work and deployment and his job compare nothing to holding onto his baby girl and being scared for her, knowing she is in good hands at home with her mom, but feeling worthless because he can't be there to help. I know he feels this, and there's nothing I can do.

So, as the wind blows off the water and I watch the flags on the ship wave in the wind and the satellite on the ship spin, these things rush through my head.... I say "see you soon" as fast as I can, hug him tight but don't wait too long, and try my hardest not to burst into tears....I need to be strong, for Clara, for me....but most importantly, for him. He needs to know I'm his rock, I'm here, holding up our life, keeping him involved with hundreds of photos, letters, emails, care packages, talks, you name it... But this has NEVER been harder... Kris and I can survive anything together, being apart is okay for us, we manage.... but everything has changed with Clara. Tomorrow when she wakes up, she will look for him, when I get in the car to drive, she will wonder if Daddy is going to play with her while I drive or play peek a boo in the mirror. When the tv comes on, she will want him there to dance with her. At bath time, she will miss him calling her the baby burrito... She is too young to understand why or how, but she will miss him, it will be confusing for her, I know. It is difficult and we will get through it, like everything else.

Next time you fight with your loved ones or say you wish you could get away, remember that the grass is always greener. Your life may be horrible but someone out there wishes they were in your shoes. Someone, somewhere. And to think, I'm one of thousands of wives that have gone through this and many more to come. So, love your country, support our military and hug your loved ones.... we do this for a reason beyond explanation.

.....we'll See you Soon, Daddy. Love you Forever.

contemplation.

seriously... what goes on inside a baby's mind?

Never smile at a crocodile.

Sometimes in life you just need a good laugh.

Right now Clara has begun her mimicking stage. She will laugh when you laugh and probably cry if I started to cry at her... she has also started picking up on the sign language I have used with her since she was about 5 months old. She can sign almost 25 things....if you or someone you know is having a baby I HIGHLY reccommend it. There are times when she cannot say the word but she can sign things to me. She will point out babies and dogs everywhere we go so she can sign to me. I'm telling you, thank god she got Kris's brains (sidenote: I'm not the dullest crayon in the box myself )... but, i'm going to be in for it pretty soon, she is TOO smart!

Garden Party

Camelias in bloom

When I was pregnant and "nesting" I was so excited because right outside the window of my baby's room was a huge Camelia tree. As I moved things around and decorated and got ready for my litle bundle of joy, I watched that bush nonstop. There was a bird who nested in there once and there were buds covering the whole thing by mid-February. So I said over and over how great it would be that when Clara's big arrival was upon us... the Camelia's would be blooming. Well, Clara was 6 days late and they still didnt bloom until the following week. A couple here and there, but nothing like it is right now. The bush looks like Alice in Wonderland "painting the roses red" bush... it's bursting with color.

For xmas Gramma got Clara a new pair of gDiapers (cloth diapering system I'm using) they are called "Garden Party" I had an idea for an outift for her, but these little diapers were just too cute to cover up....so, we went without. :)

Her facial expressions make it so hard for me to pick favorites... her quirky little attitude shows all the time. Goodness she is amazing.